Fess Up Time

It's time for me to come clean on a few things with all of you. Firstly my name isn't Emma Murty, it is Emma but Murty is an alias my last name is Shawcross. Secondly I never finished my University degree I lied about that and here is my stupid reason. I first met Drew online 7 months ago and after he had told me a bit about himself I realised my life was nothing in comparison so I lied to him from day one and said I was still at university the truth being I dropped out three months in to my second year when I realised I wasn't a good enough artist or photographer to qualify from it. It wasn't only Drew I lied to though I also lied to my parents and my sisters as I was too ashamed to admit the truth to them.

I even went as far as bringing Drew along to an art exhibit at the university I dropped out of,  I told him it was to showcase my coursework that was obviously a lie it was actually for my friend Leanne's work but she played along for me. Most of the photographs on this sight are not mine trust me you'll be able to tell which of them I'm talking about the truth is I lack the skill and the patience to be a good photographer it was just always my dream job. I've removed the ones from my sidebar and replaced them with my own which are nothing in comparison to the others. There are pictures on here I've said are me and they aren't only my avatar is the real me, I told Drew I did this because I didn't want to put images of myself online but the truth is I have only smiled in one photograph in my whole life and it's the one Drew took of me on our first date with my cell phone.

I meant to dispel with these lies but as our relationship grew closer the lie grew bigger, one day Drew asked me how I could afford to live in my apartment on a yoga instructors salary and I panicked the first thing that came to my head was this- 'I sell photographs to those royalty free sites online'. Stupid I know but I knew he wouldn't question it and even worse I've now found myself telling his friends this same lie just in case he has already told them the truth is my step-dad part pays my rent, that's right daddy helps me out.

Drew being Drew wanted me to be a part of his whole life so he helped me become a member of Blog Catalog and how do I repay him I stupidly post pictures to a thread that aren't mine some by accident I honestly do have some of the SECC building in Glasgow which I have taken but others I was just trying to make a good impression on his friends which I regret hugely as today there was a thread on BC which Drew thought was about him and deep down I know it's about me.

Drew has been without some of his medications for his depression and brain problems for two days due to a mix up with his prescription and has become very paranoid so when he saw the thread he instantly thought it was either because we use the same computer to go on BC together as mine is old and has connection problems when used with our router or he had said something to hurt someone which is his biggest worry in life. I as usual kept quiet and hoped something would be said on the thread to point guilt away from him but he just sank deeper into his paranoia and his depression. I even reached out to some of his BC friends hoping that would rally him round but nothing they said helped. About 20 minutes ago I found him in the bathroom about to do something horrific to himself so I confessed all to him and told him the thread isn't about him but I think about me.

Here is my reasons for the way I am they are not excuses but just reasons. I had a harsh upbringing lets just say my father was a little too hands on with me and my younger sister Cassie and leave it at that. This has left me all through my life with a deep rooted desire to be loved by everyone I meet it's not enough for me  for them just to like me they have to love me, I know this is a problem and I'm currently going to Survivors of Incest Meetings and also seeing a psychologist for this. Deep down I'm still that little shy scared girl hoping her dad isn't drunk enough to want a special Daddy daughter cuddle.

I'll understand if nobody wants to talk to me again as I've hurt your friend this way just know that the feelings I have for him are genuine and although I've deceived you with my lies about my pictures and past my friendship for you all was genuine too. I don't know how to make friends any other way I guess it's what drew me to Drew in the first place he makes time for people, he cares for everyone no matter what even when I broke his heart a few weeks ago by doing something stupid he still came to my apartment to stop my father from hurting me again. I don't expect forgiveness or pity for my childhood as I don't deserve it after the way I've behaved all I ask is for people not to treat Drew unkindly for my mistakes he wasn't a part of my lies so shouldn't be punished.

Fess Up Time

Let The Good Times Roll

Well I handed in my notice yesterday at my job and I start my new job on Tuesday, the company policy is usually three weeks notice but the way I worded it I got to just hand in my notice and leave. It went a little something like this.

I knock Karen's office door.
Karen: (after a long pause) Who is it?
Me: Emma.
Karen: Emma who?
Me: Murty.
Karen: Enter.
I enter the room and go to sit down...
Karen: Who said you could sit?
Me: Sorry (you crazy bitch)
Karen: You have two minutes then you're out of here I got important calls to make.
Me: I'm handing in my notice.
Karen: Why? What makes you think I'll accept it?
Me: Why? For starters the whole you staring at me when I got changed the other week, oh and maybe the fact that you treat us all like scum.
Karen: You can't talk to me like that you little witch, I'm docking you two days pay.
Me: Dock this!
I give her the one finger salute.
Karen: Three days no no four days.
Me: Shut up you crazy freak, I'm quitting and if you don't let me leave I'll go over your head and tell the bosses what you did.
Karen: You think they'll believe a little trollop like you over me?
Me: It doesn't matter what they believe to save face they'll just let me go.
Karen: You will feel the back of my hand in a minute young lady.
Me: I f***ing dare you to hit me, I'll slap the crap out of you in front of the whole gym, I'm sure the paying clients will appreciate the show.
Karen: You think I won't do it?
Me: No but I think you'll be sorry when you do.
There is a brief silence then.
Karen: Go, get out of here then you little skank, you were probably selling yourself to the clients anyway. Good riddens to a little slut.
Me: Oh shut the f**k up you eijit, you have run this place into the ground and you blame the staff for everything maybe if you weren't so incompetent we would still have all those clients that left.
I slam the door shut behind me on my way out so she can't get a comeback and I high five everyone on my way out, lol.

So alls well that ends well as they say but this comes at a price my new job is a 25% pay cut as I'll be the junior yoga instructor at the health club as they have a very talented and very nice lady there called Anna Symms who has 26 years experience so I'll be taking the beginner classes instead of the experienced and intermediate ones. That's fine by me I'll learn a lot from someone with this much experience which will help me be a better instructor and I have a side gig selling photographs to online royalty free sites which should cover the loss for the short time. I wanted to post some of these images here to show you, maybe you have downloaded them before and didn't know who the photographer was.

Sealed with a kiss Emma, ciao.

Let The Good Times Roll

Dating Aint Easy

After a wonderful two day trip away of pure bliss we returned on the Saturday and I was invited along to watch Drew's local football team Airdrie United play one of their fiercest rivals Ayr United but unfortunately the rivalry didn't stay on the pitch instead it manifested itself in the stadium bar in the form of a group of a-holes trying to start trouble. Drew had went to the toilet and I was standing at the bar ordering our next round of drinks two cokes, I don't drink alcohol and Drew was on his best behaviour, when this burly guy grabbed my butt and said something very repulsive into my ear.              

Seeing this upon exiting the restroom Drew walked over and literally threw this guy over a table and then squared up to the rest of his group. The bouncers for the bar rushed over to stop anything happening and I feeling panicky went to the restroom to calm down unknown to me Drew had left the bar and was giving the 6 of them a thrashing outside and had to be dragged off of them by his brothers who had just turned up. When I exited the bar to see where he was and seen what he was doing I didn't react well in fact I slapped him and walked away which I now regret. He watched the game with his brothers and as I didn't answer his phone calls after the game he went out to drown his sorrows with them. What I didn't know about at the time is the reason he went out after those a-holes that reason being one of them had thrown a glass at me which smashed just beside my foot, at the time I just thought someone had knocked it off their table.

Drew wouldn't have done anything further but the fact they could have scarred me for life or worse with this action led him to retaliate. That's the thing about Drew he'll literally fight the world to defend someone he loves heck on one occasion he defended a total stranger from a serious situation which led him to get slashed repeatedly with a knife, he'd risk being killed for a stranger he'd show that much compassion for a stranger but he hates himself. When he looks in the mirror he doesn't see what I see what his friends and family see he sees his pain, his regret and he sees his lost ten years through illness.

We got back together last night thanks to my American big sis banging our heads together, lol, but today he has been in a funk about not thinking he is good enough for me or attractive enough to be with me and he doesn't know why I want to be with him. These thoughts being in his head breaks my heart as I think he's the greatest man I've ever known he has so much love for all his friends, family and me but none for himself it's truly heartbreaking for me to see him this way. He says when he looks in the mirror he sees a monster staring back at him and for over five years he hasn't made eye contact with his reflection so I'm going to do him a favour and I need your help I'm going to post a picture on this blog post of him and I want you to tell him what you see when you look at it. He needs to know that he isn't a monster but instead he's a kind, loving, strong beautiful man.

Sealed with a kiss Emma, ciao.

Dating Aint Easy

2 Day bliss

Well I'm back from my two day trip to Airth castle hotel and I'm completely exhausted but completely and utterly happy. We had a great time and practically had the whole place to ourselves although strangely one of the only other couples there was in the room right next door to ours and we got an utterly embarrassing call on Thursday night at like 3am from reception to inform us that we were being to noisy, lol, the next day at breakfast that couple sat about three tables away shooting us the evils like we were a couple of pervs or something.Each night we danced in the hotel bar to incredibility cheesy love songs on the jukebox and we were constantly asked if we were on our honeymoon which Drew replied to each time 'This time next year we will be'. Promises, promises I say I'm going to hold you to that big guy, lol, to late to talk your way out of it I'm circling the date in the calendar, ROTFL, right now reading this he'll be panicking hell he'll be legging it out the back of his house, the next time I go round to his place there will be a Drew shaped whole in the back wall as he                 headed off for the hills.

At lunch on Friday we were sitting at a table next to these two woman one of which was discussing her daughter this was the conversation overlapping with our own.

Me: The pool looks great.
Drew: So does your swim suit.
Lady 1: She started just last year.....
Me: I'll have to wear it then....
Lady 2: How's she finding it?
Drew: Sure will.....
Lady 1: She finds it hard to focus at times....
We kiss across the table.
Lady 2: What does she find the most difficult?
Me: Last night was fun (embarrassed laugh) huh?
Drew: you'll have to use your indoor voice next time (shared laugh)
Lady 1: She has problems with her fingering...
Drew bursts out laughing and then slides down under the table leaving me to get stared at by the two ladies.
Lady 1: Something funny?
Me: Nope, he's just got a text message, so your daughter plays piano?
Lady 1: Yes, do you play my dear?
Me: I tried to learn when I was younger but gave up six lessons in.
Lady 1: Why was that?
Drew: (from under the table) She had the same problem as your daughter.
I smile and they go back to talking to each other leaving me all red faced and embarrassed, he is so going to get a payback for that one, lol.

The pool there is completely amazing, heated to a crazy temperature but a great pool none the less. We spent about two hours just floating around kissing and talking in fact I don't think we spent more than 10 minutes during the whole 48 hours without touching be it holding hands, my arm around his waist, dancing, kissing or you know. It was the most romantic time I've ever had in my life and I haven't stopped smiling since my sister officially hates me right now for smiling to much, lol, but hey that's what true love does to a girl right?

Sealed with a kiss Emma, ciao.

2 Day bliss

New Dawn

So my wee sister Mollie has got herself a puppy (no dodgy jokes) called Samson, no I don't know where the name comes from either but anyway she has a new 12 weeks old puppy (awww)  the only problem is she left yesterday to go on holiday to Florida with our Mum so I'm stuck looking after the little thing till tomorrow when our aunt is coming to pick the little guy up. The thing is I'm not allowed pets in my apartment it's against the landlord's rules so I've had to sneak him in inside my bag which isn't weird at all having a wriggling, barking handbag as you try to walk past the guy that can kick your butt to the kerb, lol.  



Here's a picture Drew took earlier today of me out walking the little guy, lol, is it only me that thinks he wasn't concentrating to much on the dog while taking the picture? I think Mr. Carson may have had something else on his mind, lol, busted big guy. In other news I may have found a new job as I have an interview on Monday at the very swanky Boathouse Fitness Club at Strathclyde Park just down the road from my home thanks to my knight in shining armour or should I say shining jeans & T shirt as that's what he wears most of the time our friend The Housebound Writer himself Drew Carson. It's amazing how a guy that hasn't left his house that much in the last ten years knows so many people.

Anyway with this new opportunity you could say all roads are leading to better days for myself, I know cheesy pun I just wanted to bust out one of my photos from my university days, lol,  I told you guys the next blog post would be more positive but I thought I was going to post about one of my dates with the big guy or our upcoming romantic trip we have planned for tomorrow. Tomorrow marks the 6th month anniversary of our first ever conversation online and to celebrate we're going to spend two nights at Airth Castle hotel and spa. It looks awesome on the website http://www.airthcastlehotel.com/ and I'm thinking we're going to enjoy this trip a lot, (blushes) lol.

Sealed with a kiss Emma, ciao.          

New Dawn

Work getting me down

Back from another nightmare of a shift at work, my boss is really starting to annoy me to the point where I may have to look for work somewhere else. I love what I do and when I'm helping people to learn about yoga it makes me feel like what I'm doing is somehow worthwhile.  I had a client who had be in a tragic car accident and had lost all of her confidence and through our one on one classes she is now the centre of attention anywhere she goes and knowing that I helped her in a small way to achieve that really makes me proud of what I do but the work environment is now getting unbearable.

Tonight my boss told me I was getting my wages docked for turning up three minutes late for work, this is the first and only time I have ever been late for work even when I've been called to fill in for other people's shifts at the last minute but I've now been docked two hours wages which works out at just under £21 maybe not a lot to some but it's a lot to me. It means I've been docked half a shifts wages for being three minutes late not really a rational punishment in my opinion what do you guys think?

All during the shift Karen (my boss) I was going to not name her on this blog post in case she read it but you know what? I don't actually care at this point, all during the shift Karen was watching me like a hawk including when I was getting changed at the end of my shift after I had taken a shower now if your male boss followed you into the changing room and watched you get dressed you'd file charges against him or kick him in the privates right? Well I felt she was ogling me and it's not paranoia because I know she is a lesbian she was ogling me and it made me feel very uncomfortable.

The problem is it would be her word against mine if I went to the big bosses with it and she is bosom buddies with the only one that pays the club a visit so as they say I don't have a pot to p**s in. Also they could say because of a traumatic period in my childhood that I won't go into here I could be overly sensitive or overly paranoid at being naked in front of an authority figure. I'm torn because if I leave I can't pay my rent I'm pretty much living hand to mouth so to speak but if I stay God knows what will happen. When I said to her 'Why are you standing there?' She responded by saying 'I'm making sure you are not taking any property from the club that doesn't belong to you, stuff has been going missing it's the new club policy.' Club policy my a**e this crazy b***h is seeing how far she can push staff before they quit, it's well known by the staff that she wants to bring her own people in.

I think I'm going to put out feelers to see if any of the other gyms or health clubs are looking for staff and I will also see if there is anything going In Glasgow at the museums and art galleries may as well put that Fine Arts degree to good use, lol, I just can't believe the last month I've had, I meet the man of my dreams then a person from my past comes back and almost destroys that relationship and now the job I love is now just a pay check to me but hey others have it worse right? I hate complaining about it here but as Drew always says better to get it off your chest and as I don't keep a diary here it is, lol, hope I didn't depress you guys to bad and I promise the next post will be more upbeat. Here's a picture of Kilt Rock Waterfall for some reason it always makes me smile.

Sealed with a kiss Emma, ciao.

Work getting me down

Wedding Bells

Last night I got a phone call from my very excited and completely hyper friend Lara. After hyperventilating down the phone at me for 10 minutes uttering some garbled story that I couldn't make heads or tails of she finally calmed down enough to tell me she is getting MARRIED!!! Yep the first of my friends to get hitched I'm so excited for her as she has been with her fiancée  Ciaran for three and half years and been living with him for the last two years.

Major news for me coming out of our three hour phone call after the wedding announcement anyway was that I'm going to be the Maid of honour, how cool is that? We are going to look at dresses on Saturday for all the bridesmaids and the wedding itself is in 5 weeks which I thought was pretty short notice but hey each to their own eh? My best friend since I was 5 years old (besides Mr. Carson of course)  is getting hitched, awesome right???? Well I thought so Mr. Carson had his doubts, this was our conversation this morning.

ME: Babes you'll never guess?
DREW: Guess what?
ME: What I found out last night?
(Drew looks worried)
DREW: Is it about that p***k next door? I can explain.
(I'm thrown from my trail for thought briefly)
ME: No..... What about that p***k next door?
DREW: Oh nothing, what were you talking about? Love you.
ME: OK, em oh yeah Lara's getting married?
DREW: Oh.
ME: That it, oh?
DREW: Oh, good for her?
ME: Yes it is good for her, something on your mind DB?
DREW: Not really, just thinking about my hospital appointment later.
ME: OK then anyway she's asked me to be maid of honour how cool is that?
DREW: Sweet very cool.
ME: So as the invite will indefinitely say Ms Emma Murty plus one, you going to be my plus one babes?
( Drew acting nervous)
DREW: She marrying that Ciaran guy?
Me: No she's marrying that cute homeless guy that stays behind the Cinema, D'uh of course she's marrying Ciaran, what you don't like Ciaran?
DREW: She's awfully young to be getting married don't you think?
ME: Not really my Mum was 18 when she got married so 21 isn't that young.
DREW : OK.
ME: So you're going to be my plus one?
DREW: I don't have to do anything at the wedding right?
ME: What would you have to do? They will probably hire a Minister to conduct the ceremony  if that's what your thinking.
DREW: Obviously I wasn't thinking that, I don't have to talk to Ciaran at the wedding but do I?
ME: I think he may be slightly to distracted to be chatting with everyone babes.
DREW: Well that's OK then I'll go.
ME: You're sure? I don't want to drag you along if you don't want to go.....
(Drew stands and kisses me on the forehead.)
DREW: Hon you know I'd go anywhere with you or for you, you're my Angel.

Drew leaves to go home to get ready for his hospital appointment and I'm left wondering what the hell that was all about as regards to Ciaran and also melting after what he said, lol. He always says the sweetest things and they are never just cheesy lines like other guys use to get "lucky" he actually means them he has the heart of a poet.

Sealed with a kiss Emma, ciao.

Wedding Bells