I even went as far as bringing Drew along to an art exhibit at the university I dropped out of, I told him it was to showcase my coursework that was obviously a lie it was actually for my friend Leanne's work but she played along for me. Most of the photographs on this sight are not mine trust me you'll be able to tell which of them I'm talking about the truth is I lack the skill and the patience to be a good photographer it was just always my dream job. I've removed the ones from my sidebar and replaced them with my own which are nothing in comparison to the others. There are pictures on here I've said are me and they aren't only my avatar is the real me, I told Drew I did this because I didn't want to put images of myself online but the truth is I have only smiled in one photograph in my whole life and it's the one Drew took of me on our first date with my cell phone.
I meant to dispel with these lies but as our relationship grew closer the lie grew bigger, one day Drew asked me how I could afford to live in my apartment on a yoga instructors salary and I panicked the first thing that came to my head was this- 'I sell photographs to those royalty free sites online'. Stupid I know but I knew he wouldn't question it and even worse I've now found myself telling his friends this same lie just in case he has already told them the truth is my step-dad part pays my rent, that's right daddy helps me out.
Drew being Drew wanted me to be a part of his whole life so he helped me become a member of Blog Catalog and how do I repay him I stupidly post pictures to a thread that aren't mine some by accident I honestly do have some of the SECC building in Glasgow which I have taken but others I was just trying to make a good impression on his friends which I regret hugely as today there was a thread on BC which Drew thought was about him and deep down I know it's about me.
Drew has been without some of his medications for his depression and brain problems for two days due to a mix up with his prescription and has become very paranoid so when he saw the thread he instantly thought it was either because we use the same computer to go on BC together as mine is old and has connection problems when used with our router or he had said something to hurt someone which is his biggest worry in life. I as usual kept quiet and hoped something would be said on the thread to point guilt away from him but he just sank deeper into his paranoia and his depression. I even reached out to some of his BC friends hoping that would rally him round but nothing they said helped. About 20 minutes ago I found him in the bathroom about to do something horrific to himself so I confessed all to him and told him the thread isn't about him but I think about me.
Here is my reasons for the way I am they are not excuses but just reasons. I had a harsh upbringing lets just say my father was a little too hands on with me and my younger sister Cassie and leave it at that. This has left me all through my life with a deep rooted desire to be loved by everyone I meet it's not enough for me for them just to like me they have to love me, I know this is a problem and I'm currently going to Survivors of Incest Meetings and also seeing a psychologist for this. Deep down I'm still that little shy scared girl hoping her dad isn't drunk enough to want a special Daddy daughter cuddle.
I'll understand if nobody wants to talk to me again as I've hurt your friend this way just know that the feelings I have for him are genuine and although I've deceived you with my lies about my pictures and past my friendship for you all was genuine too. I don't know how to make friends any other way I guess it's what drew me to Drew in the first place he makes time for people, he cares for everyone no matter what even when I broke his heart a few weeks ago by doing something stupid he still came to my apartment to stop my father from hurting me again. I don't expect forgiveness or pity for my childhood as I don't deserve it after the way I've behaved all I ask is for people not to treat Drew unkindly for my mistakes he wasn't a part of my lies so shouldn't be punished.
*sighs*
ReplyDeleteI have a hard time finding where to begin. Should I say that I am disappointed? You probably already beat yourself up enough for all of us. Should I just extend a helping hand? I'm not sure because I truly believe you have to learn from this and I don't want to dim the impact.
What I can say is congratulations for coming clean. It takes a lot of courage to do it. People might think that it's the least you could do but I know better. I've seen people live in lies for years and get so deep into them they don't even know which story is a lie anymore. People who have had it worst or better or about the same as you.
Hell, one of them messed up MY life because she believed her lies so much!
I'm not saying what you did is okay. I'm not saying coming clean is enough to be forgiven. I'm not the one you hurt the most with that, far from it, so forgiveness is not mine to give anyway. But please, oh please, even if no one was to forgive you, which I don't think will be the case, don't let this all be in vain.
Because then you would really piss me off! *laughs*
Seriously, it's not about the fall. It's never about the fall. It's about the lesson. It's about you pulling through and becoming a better person. I haven't lived anything that can compare to what you're hinting at but I have a clue how childhood problems can impact someone's life. Some people I know never outgrew them because they lost the will to better themselves. Don't do that.
The only childhood trauma I have is getting my forehead stitched up and I swear I needed every ounce of my will to keep from running for my life when a doctor stitched up my lip 3 years ago. Needles aren't a problem for me but add a thread to it aim it at me and I freak. ;)
There are some dark times ahead because of this but if you hold up and work through this mess, I promise things will get better. The worst is always taking the first step and you just did that. Now fix it and don't ever let your past be the cause/excuse for something else like this. It gives that past too much credit and you're better than that.
Okay, I think I'm done for now. I know it's not all hugs but nor is it all finger slapping.
Sometimes, the best thing one who cares can do is hurt you by applying alcohol to your wounds. ;)
OK...You obviously need help. Even your apology is lies.....why are you so sick, that you get off on opretending to be 2 people, when you have the same IP address? And why would you even go on here and make up this stupid B.S. story about being sorry? WHO THE FUCK CARES???? Just stop writing, and go back to your shrink!!
ReplyDelete